TANGIBLE LOVE
Aaron and I met
in Karlsruhe, Germany, in 2010. We were classmates in our master’s program of
environmental engineering. We didn’t
even actually get to be boyfriend/girlfriend until about a year into our
course. We started out as best friends. We clicked. I get his jokes, he got
mine. He likes hanging out in small groups, so did I. He’s German, I’m
Indonesian, he’s protestant I am a Muslim, but we clicked.
One of our flat-mate
was a Muslim too, but a bit on the dark side. He was always giving lecture on
how Islam is the right religion and everything else was “wrong”, he even gave
flyers. Long story short, everyone hated him and started alienating him. So one
day our neighbor got sick, we think pretty bad to an extent that his mother
came to take care of him. So when Aaron and I wanted to go to the supermarket,
Aaron asked me that we should go to our neighbor’s and asked him what he needed
(food, medicine, etc) and we should buy it for him. And at first I objected, I told him that he
has his mother and he got what he deserves. And Aaron reminded me that he is
still a human being and more importantly he’s our neighbor who lives close by and
we cannot just neglect him. This reminds me of a story of Muhammad SAW who in a
similar story had taken care of an ill neighbor. I was shocked, ashamed and
happy that he reminded me to be a good person to everyone. And you guessed
right, our Muslim neighbor respected Aaron ever since that day.
When Aaron came
to Jakarta back in October 2013, he was "randomly" checked by the
immigration at Soekarno-Hatta Airport for a good 45 minutes. I wanted him to
stay at my parents’ house, but when I asked my parents whether he could stay in
our house, they said no, so he stayed at a hotel. When we were going out to see
Jakarta, I asked my family (mom and sisters) whether they would like to join
us, they said no. To which I might add, when I went out with Aaron to see Jakarta, I was
berated by my sister saying I was not acting “appropriate” going alone with my
boyfriend, picking him up at his hotel and going around town to hang out. Again,
this is after I asked her everyday whether she would like to join me and Aaron
sightseeing in Jakarta. When Aaron finally had to go home, I asked whether he could
come by our house to meet the family and my mom said no.
In case you are
wondering why my family disapproves of Aaron, I lied, Aaron is not German, he is
a black African. Unfortunately I can imagine most of you now “understands” why
my parents didn’t want to meet him, why they didn’t approve of him and why he
was checked at the immigration; well of course, he’s from Africa, not Germany! Note that what you know about this person so far is only his nationality.
So what do we
know about Africa? That it consist of 54 countries. What do we know about
Uganda? I myself haven’t been there so instead of talking let me show you some pictures of
Uganda. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so let me show you the
pictures which I took from google earth
Now this is just me searching in google images, nothing
fancy, no big research. So to be fair, I searched also the good and bad
pictures of our beloved country, Indonesia and here is what I found:
By now you probably get the idea. To be fair, your first thought of Uganda (or Africa in general), is something you cannot control, something that just pops up in your mind. So why is it, that when it comes to Uganda, ONLY the bad pictures were the ones that quickly pop into our minds? I am not saying hunger in Africa doesn’t exist, or that we shouldn’t make it big news, it is. But it seems when it comes to Africa, that’s the ONLY news.
Let us put the
pictures side by side, just for a bit of perspective:
The good: (left is Uganda, right in Indonesia)
The Bad: (left is Uganda, right in Indonesia)
Now I am not a news reporter,I am not a researcher, I have never actually been to Africa, I am just a simple girl with a simple mind, and this is my story having a Ugandan boyfriend.
The Bad: (left is Uganda, right in Indonesia)
Now I am not a news reporter,I am not a researcher, I have never actually been to Africa, I am just a simple girl with a simple mind, and this is my story having a Ugandan boyfriend.
-------
I have wanted to go to Uganda to meet Aaron and his family, the way he came to Jakarta to meet me and my family. But my mom
said I cannot go to Uganda. And I cried to Aaron and said at this rate I will
probably NEVER go to Uganda and I probably should just go there. I mean, I’m 31;
I don’t need my mom's permission anymore. And do you know what he said? He said
no. He said I have to respect my mom's wishes and don’t go behind her back and
never ever lie to my mom. He said this when I wanted us to get married in Germany,
he said this when my mom didn’t want to meet him when he came to Jakarta, he
said this when I wanted to go to Uganda and lied to my mom saying I have a
business trip to Bangkok. It is ironic to me that he was the one who always stood by my family and my mom's side, no matter what, from the very beginning, and yet my family didn’t even want to meet him let
alone get to know him.
I was about to undergo my own research which may add to a
string of researches on subconscious bias (read: blink by Malcolm Gladwell or Thinking
Slow and Fast by Daniel Kahneman). The research would be: I pretend to broke up
with Aaron. And after 6 months or so I would tell my family that my new
boyfriend is Australian (I even have the person ready, and he was ready to be
my fake boyfriend!). That’s all my family and friends needed to know about him:
Australian. Nothing more nothing less... just like they "knew" Aaron,
that he's Ugandan. And see what will be their reaction... and I was close of
actually doing my so-called “research” but I called it off because what if they
ARE happy?? What if they wanted to meet my "Australian boyfriend"? Although
that IS the whole point of my "research", but I just couldn’t do it because
it involved the bitter truth. Now I understand that Australia is a
developed country whereas Uganda is obviously not. But keep in mind, the only
thing you know about my Australian boyfriend is just that. His nationality. This
brings me to my puzzlement about how people
define love by tangible things when love itself
is intangible. People define the perfect partner to be one who has money, one
who is from your own kind (race, religion). I read once that humans are in a
way narcissistic that they want to be friends/marry a person who is most like
them.
Some people said
matter-of-factly that Aaron should know or at least be aware that a lot of
black people who came to Indonesia are drug dealers/drug smugglers, so that he should not be as shocked when he is checked by the immigration. Now think
about this, yes this is a fact. And sometimes we cover ourselves in facts to
judge people who have nothing to do with that fact. What I mean by this is: it is a fact that some black African who came to
Indonesia are drug smugglers. So think about this: what does the drug smugglers
and Aaron have in common? 1. Their skin color 2. They come from the same
continent. You do realize that is like saying I am linked to Khmer Rouge
Regime, because I have the same skin color and I come from the same continent:
Asia. It
is also a fact that famine still happen in Africa (and also in Indonesia), but the
thing is, that's not the ONLY fact, and we seem to think it is. If I may quote
from Daniel Kahnemann, What You See Is All There Is (WYSIATI).
To make an
analogy, since I am born in Indonesia, does that mean I am corrupt? Let’s consider
this: will we like it if it we were judged as corrupt people (because Indonesia
is the number 2 most corrupt country)? What if we go to Europe for instance and
we were "randomly" selected because we are Indonesians and were
forced to show immigration our bank accounts, our work and letter from our
employer that we actually work there, our salary slips, only because of the
bias of "Indonesians are corrupt"? some of you would probably say: we
wouldn’t mind, it's just to show our bank accounts, and if we are not corrupt,
go ahead and prove it, all the better. Sure, I can give you that. But what if
this happens not only in Europe? But in USA? Japan? ASEAN? Latin America? The
world? Would we then be forever in hatred because we were born in the wrong country?
Something that we in fact cannot choose? So for black Africans, they HAVE to
know that the other black Africans who came to Indonesia are drug smugglers and
therefore since you are black African, you should be okay if you are checked at
immigration because you should be aware that some black Africans are drug
smugglers (fact: population of Africa is 1.1 billion). And do you know what
links the African drug dealer and Aaron? They are both from Africa; a continent
with 54 countries. So why is it that the same does not happen to us with
corruption? Why not? Are we not at fault because most of Indonesians are corrupt?
No? Then what about the black Africans? Aren’t they at fault because some of
their country mates are drug smugglers? It is a fact, isn’t it? That we are a
country with number 2 ranks in the world of corruption? So why aren’t we
treated the way black Africans are treated?
Think about this,
why don’t we put the same logic of prejudice to other races? We know that the
person who shot innocent people in the movie theater in Colorado was white
American, who shot and killed 20 children is a white American (Adam Lanza), the
Unabomber is a Harvard-graduate white American, who shot teenagers in an island
called Utoya in Norway, killing 67 people and injuring 33 others is a white
Norwegian, do I really need to put Hitler in this list? Do we for 1 second, put
the prejudice towards them? No. Now what boggles my mind is: why? why do we
have this perception towards ALL black Africans because of a few black African,
but when it comes to the other race, we simply don’t.
Another example, my little sister works at an animal
clinic, the head doctor and who own the place is Indonesian with Chinese
heritage ( I don’t like saying chinese-indonesian as I don’t like the word
african-american, because how may family lineage would you have to go through
to be just an "American"? and how come there are no british-american,
german-american? it seems like it doesn’t matter where you were born and
raised, or where you think "home" is.. if you don’t look like us, you
will never be us. even the Indians who were there first is now called
native-American.. why can't they all be "American"?). So back to the
doctor, so my dad thinks what my little sister is a "slave" in that
clinic, because she worked for 72 hours per week. And his comment was "of
course, the head doctor is Chinese"... so I replied: "so if the head
doctor is Javanese, he/she won’t do the same thing" and what surprised me
was he answered yes with a conviction so strong he practically believed Javanese
person won’t do a horrible thing. So I continued, so you are saying a Javanese
person won’t do that? He again answered yes.
Before we start claiming we are not racist, let’s look
again of what that word mean. According to Google search, it is "the
belief that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities
specific to that race, especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or
superior to another race or races." or "prejudice, discrimination, or
antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief
that one's own race is superior." . I hate to break it to you, but what my
dad did, believing with his might that a Javanese head doctor will do so much
good/ at least better than the Chinese doctor, is in fact, and by definition is
racism.
Now usually, we
claim we do not hold prejudice when we are in our comfort zone. WE admit to
ourselves that we always act fair and square when it comes to another race. But
do we? My mom, who flinched when she saw "12 years a slave" movie and
demanded why slavery was legal (back then), do not want to meet my black
African boyfriend. It puzzles me. When it comes to her daughter, is she racist?
At first I denied it, the word racism feels so negative to me; it is too
degenerating for my mother who loves Oprah Winfrey. But alas, for me
to marry a black African is wrong. Now, let’s look at the fact. Why is it
wrong?
This brings me
back to "tangible love". My mother feels safe knowing that I
will marry a Javanese (preferably with a Javanese name to further proof he is
in fact Javanese), a Muslim, with a steady job. The fact that she is divorced
with my dad who is in fact a Javanese, a Muslim with a steady job, doesn’t for
a minute, deter her conviction that those 3 things will make me happy, that
those 3 tangible things are ground for a good and safe marriage.
Again, I am at awe and frustrated how this works. Let’s take another example of
a friend of mine, who married an Indonesian Muslim, came from a wealthy family,
yet he cheats on her and they live in separate houses though still married, wants
me and even prays for me to marry a Muslim man. Or another friend of mine who
commented that why on earth I would want to be with an African where
considering I am pretty (her words, not mine), I could snatch an Indonesian
guy. Or one of my best friend who said she understood how my mom feels because
she would cry (again, her words, not mine) if her daughter married a black
African. Not a drug dealer, a
wife-beater, a cheater, but an African! It’s like a nationality can tell you what the person is
like. The thing that bothers me so much
is that it didn’t matter to her if this African is a good person, a loving
father, a responsible husband, perception just blocks it out and all you see is
“African” (What You See Is All There Is (WYSIATI)).
It
is most unfortunate that I still have anger within me to my family and friends
(and the world) and I’m going to explain why. I’m not angry that Aaron and I
broke up and I’m not blaming you (we just weren’t meant to be, and it’s really
hard finding a job in another country, I will blame on logistics =D). I’m angry
that they did not even take a CHANCE by getting to know him and then say no.
And I feel sad and disappointed that they did not meet and know this wonderful
human being.
I don’t like
seeing the world through his eyes, and I want to change that, starting with
those closest to me. Because whether you like it or not, you are judging this
wonderful human being by something he cannot choose: his skin color and where
he was born. This reminds me of what Aaron said, he said don’t blame them for
thinking that, they are accustomed to thinking Africa as a poor, corrupt, war
continent. It is not their fault they watched TV that showed Africa in a
negative way. And it is not their fault
thinking their beautiful daughter/niece/friend is too good to marry an African
(kind of like I “married down” whereas marrying an American/German/Australian I
would “married up”). It is sad to me that he is accustomed to this kind of
treatment, this kind of bias, when I think he shouldn’t be.
Did you know that
most CEOs are tall (source: Blink-Malcolm Gladwell)? Yes, because of subconscious
bias, we think that short people aren’t CEO material. Of course short and brain
has little connection but that's the bias we make and we have to STOP making.
And the point here is not whether the tall or short person can/cannot be a CEO,
the point is that they BOTH should have the same CHANCES. But until now, the
short one has to work harder than the tall one, to prove he is CEO worthy. And
in my case, Aaron couldn’t even prove he was worthy. He didn’t even get that
chance.
-------------------------------
Malcolm Gladwell on Oprah:
Malcolm decided to put himself to the test about his
feelings toward African-Americans. He was shocked by his results.
The test told him he had a moderate preference for white people. "In other words, I was biased—slightly biased—against black people … which horrified me because my mom's Jamaican," he says. "The person in my life who [I] … love almost more than anyone else is black, and here I was taking a test, which said, frankly, I wasn't too crazy about black people."
Malcolm took the test again. He found he couldn't "cheat the test" and got the same results. "Those kinds of snap decisions that make up so much discrimination or … our thoughts and feelings, they're a product of the worlds we live in," Malcolm says. "And if you live in a world, as we do, where you … turn on the television and you see a TV show and the crack dealer's always a black guy and the judge is always a white person … those images start to matter. They start to change the way the software in your head works. And that's regardless of what race you are."
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Overcoming-Prejudice#ixzz3ZVTHzhGw
The test told him he had a moderate preference for white people. "In other words, I was biased—slightly biased—against black people … which horrified me because my mom's Jamaican," he says. "The person in my life who [I] … love almost more than anyone else is black, and here I was taking a test, which said, frankly, I wasn't too crazy about black people."
Malcolm took the test again. He found he couldn't "cheat the test" and got the same results. "Those kinds of snap decisions that make up so much discrimination or … our thoughts and feelings, they're a product of the worlds we live in," Malcolm says. "And if you live in a world, as we do, where you … turn on the television and you see a TV show and the crack dealer's always a black guy and the judge is always a white person … those images start to matter. They start to change the way the software in your head works. And that's regardless of what race you are."
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Overcoming-Prejudice#ixzz3ZVTHzhGw
For the test mentioned above, go to:
And take the “Race – IAT” Test
Comments
Post a Comment